1237: Why Anxiety Feels Stuck And The Subtle Patterns That Keep It Going

Erin Moon (0:00): Are you the type of person who when I say in conclusion, no one knows or be suspicious of your certainty, you just take a little breath of fresh air? Or maybe you feel like this describes your faith journey. I'm Erin Moon, one of the hosts and resident bible scholar over at Faith Adjacent, the podcast that is unwavering in its pursuit to have spiritually abutting conversations that straddle the line between sacred and sacrilege. New Faith Adjacent episodes drop every Thursday, and you can find us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen.

Unknown Speaker (0:41): Welcome to the anxiety coaches podcast, a relaxing and informative show where we explore anxiety, panic, and PTSD, sharing how you can overcome them for life.

Gina Ryan (0:57): Aloha. Welcome back to the anxiety coaches podcast. I'm your host and coach, Gina Ryan, and I am so happy to be with you again today as together we can consider the many ways to bring your mind and body back to its natural peace and calm. Over the last couple of episodes, we've been gently exploring anxiety from a different angle. First, we looked at what might be making anxiety worse.

Gina Ryan (1:29): And then I turned toward what actually helps. Small supportive shifts that can really help to calm and anchor the nervous system. And today I want to talk about something that so many people quietly wonder. Why does anxiety feel so stuck? Why does it seem to linger even when you're trying so hard to feel better?

Gina Ryan (1:57): And I wanna begin by saying this very clearly, nothing has gone wrong. If anxiety, your anxiety feels stuck, it doesn't mean you're failing. Often it means that your system is doing exactly what it was designed to do, protect you. This is like a paradox of trying to get rid of anxiety. Right?

Gina Ryan (2:25): We try so hard that we dig ourselves deeper and deeper. So let's start with something that can feel surprising. When we try to get rid of anxiety, the more attention we seem to give to it, right? You can't be working on it without giving it attention. And then what happens is the more attention we give it, the more present it can feel.

Gina Ryan (2:55): This creates a kind of loop. I don't wanna feel like this is what you say to yourself. And then you're checking to see if it's still there. You're noticing it more and you're feeling more anxious. This isn't your fault.

Gina Ryan (3:15): It's just how attention works. What we focus on tends to grow. We also have fear of the sensations, right? This is another layer that we put on. It's not just anxiety itself, but the fear of the sensations.

Gina Ryan (3:38): The racing heart, the tight chest, the relentless energy. At some point, the body learns these sensations mean something is wrong. And then that fear shifts from the outside world to the experience itself. Now, it's not just what if something happens, it becomes what if I feel this again? And I want to say this loud and clear, that anticipation can keep the cycle going.

Gina Ryan (4:22): We are anticipating that these things are going to happen again. The experience will happen again. I will have these sensations, whatever they are. I know I said racing heart, tight chest, and relentless energy, but we all have our own recipe of symptoms and sensations, right? And when we are concerned about that coming again, what if I feel this again?

Gina Ryan (4:52): That anticipation feeds the cycle. Many people with anxiety become very aware of their body. A hyper awareness if you will. They are constantly checking. How do I feel?

Gina Ryan (5:11): Is something off? Is this anxiety starting? And these kind of thoughts come from a very understandable place. You're trying to stay ahead of it. I get that.

Gina Ryan (5:25): But this kind of monitoring can keep your nervous system on alert. It's like your system never gets the message. You're safe now. The amygdala can stand down. When we don't get that message, we are still in our fight or flight sympathetic side of our nervous system scanning the horizon for danger, whether that danger is outside of us or inside of us.

Gina Ryan (5:59): Now, I do want to talk about avoidance because sometimes short term relief can lead to long term sensitivity. And avoidance is human. It's what we all do when something feels uncomfortable. We want to move away from it. We wanna avoid the situation or we want to escape the feeling.

Gina Ryan (6:26): We wanna stay in what feels safe. And in the short term, that works. And sometimes we have to do that to get through a situation. It brings instant relief. But over time, something very subtle happens.

Gina Ryan (6:44): The nervous system begins to believe that this thing, this sensation, this symptom, whatever or thought is really dangerous. And tolerance for that gets smaller. We begin to close our window of tolerance in life and life becomes more limited and the anxiety feels bigger. Before we begin, let's hear from the sponsors that support the show. Thanks, air doctor, for sponsoring today's episode.

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Gina Ryan (12:35): Another pattern that can keep anxiety feeling stuck is living in fix it mode. Yeah. I guess we could call it fixing mode because we're doing it. We're fixing it all the time, Constantly trying to solve it, to figure it out, to get it just right. Listening to more content.

Gina Ryan (12:58): Right? Even listening to this show, searching for that perfect answer, waiting for the moment when it finally disappears. If you are going to be listening to content and if you are going to be looking for answers, that's normal. Just watch how your attitude is about it. Are you looking for the holy grail?

Gina Ryan (13:24): Because that's not out there. You are going to make the changes that you need in your life for your anxiety to begin to settle, not searching frantically. So what you want to do is not wait for the moment when it finally all disappears and you can exhale. You're going to exhale and relax before that. And while you are learning and getting support, those are very helpful.

Gina Ryan (13:59): But too much fixing energy, and this is about the attitude of it. Right? Too much of that fixing energy can send the message to your system that something is wrong, and we need to fix this. You're in danger. And that can quietly keep anxiety in place.

Gina Ryan (14:20): So notice your attitude. Are you running to Google or nowadays chat GPT for answers all the time? Are you looking for the holy grail? There are answers out there. There are things that you can do, and we talk about them here.

Gina Ryan (14:37): I wouldn't be talking to you if I didn't believe that you making shifts and changes in your life can be helpful. But I want you to check the attitude of this is going to be it. Now I've got it. Watch that and soften that and that you are making changes, lifestyle changes to live a good, healthy, peaceful life and that you can handle what comes to you. And why do I know that?

Gina Ryan (15:08): Because you have handled everything that's come to you so far. You are here. You may have been in discomfort. You may have been miserable, but you handled it. I don't want you to close that window of tolerance anymore.

Gina Ryan (15:25): I want you to open that window of tolerance and be able to handle all that life brings to you. And I'm telling you this because if I could do it, you can do it too. I'm nothing special. Now over time, anxiety can begin to feel like a part of who you are. I have anxiety, you say, or I'm an anxious person.

Gina Ryan (15:53): And while that may feel true and you may be having anxiety at the time and stress and feeling all of it. There is something important for you to remember with that. You are not anxiety. You are someone who experiences anxiety. You are someone who experiences stress.

Gina Ryan (16:16): And that small shift creates a little bit of space because what you experience can change. So let's look at a different way forward. If anxiety feels stuck in you, what helps? Not forcing it away, not fighting it, but gently shifting your relationship to it, the less fear of the feeling, the less constant checking, and less urgency to fix it are all going to serve you. And what you want to add more of is more allowing, more supporting, and more continuing to live your life alongside it.

Gina Ryan (17:12): That can be hard to get, thinking that we have to bring the anxiety along with us. But this is what will loosen that urgency to fix it, is letting the anxiety come right along. You don't even need to be checking for it. Just let it be there. It's uncomfortable.

Gina Ryan (17:35): But like I said, the more we can practice this, and it'll be in little bits at a time, but then that window of tolerance begins to open a little bit more and a little bit more. Once you soften, that's the start. Just let it come along. It's like sitting next to someone on a plane you don't wanna be next to. It's okay.

Gina Ryan (17:57): It's uncomfortable. You don't like it, but you can't change it. You don't die. It's uncomfortable. And I'm telling you, anxiety isn't with you forever either.

Gina Ryan (18:10): It will move along. It will soften. Your window of tolerance will open more. You'll be able to handle a little bit more. Like I said, this won't happen all at once, but it begins with the softening, not being so angry at the idea that you are feeling stressed or anxious in the moment.

Gina Ryan (18:31): It's okay. It's not killing you. And the more you can let it be there a little bit here and there, and the more you can soften to it, slowly but gradually, that window of tolerance will open. So I want you to begin to ask yourself a couple of questions. Again, not to be hard on yourself, but be curious.

Gina Ryan (18:56): Remember how we come back to the the middle, not good or bad, but come to the middle of neutral? Be curious. Not good or bad. Look at it as a like an experiment. It's not right or wrong.

Gina Ryan (19:11): We're just trying something. Trying something new. Try asking yourself, in what small ways might I be trying to control or avoid this feeling? What small ways are you doing that? And then gently ask yourself, what would it be like to meet this moment with just a little more allowance?

Gina Ryan (19:37): So you're not giving up. You're not resigning. You're just softening the struggle. You are allowing a little bit more. Just let something be there.

Gina Ryan (19:53): Something we have trouble with is allowing it because we get this idea stuck in our head that if I let it be there, it's only gonna get worse. If I let it I gotta get rid of it right now. I have to stop this. It's gonna spiral totally out of control, and I'm gonna just melt into a puddle on the floor. Well, that's not true.

Gina Ryan (20:14): You handle it is what you do. You're uncomfortable, and nobody wants to be uncomfortable. And I'm telling you the way out of discomfort is by allowing it to be there. Soften to that desire to try to push it away. Let it be there.

Gina Ryan (20:35): Yeah. It may get worse, but you'll handle that. Don't count yourself out like you're handling so much. Believe that you can handle it. You have handled everything that has come your way so far, and your desire to push it all away is only fueling it.

Gina Ryan (21:02): It is fueling the anxious fire. But by allowing it, it will burn itself out. Anxiety often feels stuck. I get it. I've been there.

Gina Ryan (21:16): And not because it can't change, but because the system is trying so hard to protect you from discomfort. Your system has gotten the idea that discomfort is dangerous. And as I have said so many times on this show, discomfort does not equal danger. It can be just discomfort. And when you begin to respond differently with less fear, less urgency, and more steadiness, you now send a message, this is okay.

Gina Ryan (21:58): I can handle this. I am safe enough. We've gotten to a place where we are so in comfort mode. Everything has to be comfortable. The temperature, the weather, the inside of the house is perfectly monitored for the correct temperature and humidity, and we don't go out in bad weather, and we don't even subject ourselves to any kind of discomfort.

Gina Ryan (22:32): So remember, you can do that in safe ways. I often have talked on this show about the cold shower. Cold shower is not gonna hurt you. Heat can hurt you more than the cold shower. So test it.

Gina Ryan (22:45): Give yourself a little blast of cold water before you get out of that shower and remind yourself, did it. I could handle it. It was okay. It was really uncomfortable, and I really didn't like it, but I was safe and I could handle it. And these are ways that you can just begin to tell your body that every time it feels discomfort does not mean it is in life or death danger.

Gina Ryan (23:15): And over time, that message does begin to land. And now for today's quote. You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. And that's from John Kavitsyn. I'll be back in a few more days with another podcast.

Unknown Speaker (23:38): Until then, be well and aloha.

Unknown Speaker (23:43): Thanks so much for joining us for today's episode of the anxiety coaches podcast. Find more information at the anxiety coaches podcast dot com.